Sean Beckwith: Aspen month-by-month power rankings
Targeted ads are a really bad idea. Not only do they scare you in the wake of a deluge of Pampers commercials after you once audibly saying ‘diapers’ while talking to your brother-in-law about your nephew, but also why are you snagging the pair of shoes that you? I just bought ?
I admit that my taste is impeccable; I don’t need multiple pairs of the same shoe, however. (However, I bought the same pair of custom Reeboks twice – back to back, not simultaneously – because I designed them and they were AF clean.)
If the rest of the internet can figure out what I’m going to click without extracting my data, so can Nike. For example, on the short list of “phrases you put in a headline that will make me click instantly” are “new dinosaur”, “lost WWII relic found”, “new Marvel trailer”, “Scarlett Johansson “And” power rankings. “
I think the most magnetic of all is the power rating. There’s nothing quite like when your team is playing well and hovering all the way to the top of those unnecessary and often record-breaking rosters.
What does all of this have to do with what I write today? I put “power rankings” in the title with the hope that you, like me, are a sucker for them.
I don’t think I need to explain this too much since it’s in the title, so I won’t. Here are your month-to-month power rankings from… Aspen months.
1. December – December is, and always will be as long as skiing will always be a thing, the Rolls Royce of months. In a place increasingly defined by extravagance, it should come as no surprise that every room, delivery truck, plane, CMC shuttle, condo, Airbnb is packed with enough gifts, tourists, skis, luggage, and Amazon packages to make shake 20,000 people. Other months try to reduce the stress of an entire spring break in two weeks, but no month does it like December.
2. March – The key to succeeding the last boss of the ski season is to go somewhere warm for a weekend in February. If you can’t do this, do as much spring skiing as you can. After a few hot laps in a T-shirt, we can almost taste the off-season. You will need it because the relentless waves of families and frat boys will break you like the waves off Nazaré. Also, if your job allows it, go to full seniority and stop worrying about 25% to 30%.
3. July – What will it take to shift that interest from the outdoors to whatever people were doing before they cared enough about a social media presence to hike somewhere for a photo op? I credit Instagram and e-bikes for making July the December of the summer season. The secret of summer has been unveiled for a minute, and it comes in the form of a candid photo of you in a tall hat, laughing, rose in hand, in front of an Aspen sunset.
4. September – Before I lose my mind, let me remind you (for the first time) that I am classifying the month of September 2021. If my introduction hadn’t been so long, I would have told you about this twist before to get here. You have JAS Labor Day Experience, Food & Wine, Snowmass Wine Fest, Balloon Fest, and Ruggerfest in the same month. That said, leaf peepers and wedding parties this month are turning into a mini-March from a burnout / off-season perspective.
5. August – That’s right, another summer month. There isn’t one massive event in particular, but I have always found myself in awe of the crowded city. There are various metrics to tell how busy the city is, but my favorite is “How crazy will a five minute run in town drive me?” On a scale of annoyed to annoyed, I entered angry for most of August.
January 6. – What a pleasure this year not to have to spend New Years week in Carnival getaways at the X Games. I don’t blame the brave people of Brazil for wanting to avoid carnival. If I could just chill out every year for the X Games weekend, I definitely would. So, yeah, not super excited for the release of two years of pent-up aggression in January.
7. February – This is my favorite month of the ski season. It is as low a month as possible in winter, so it is possible to do this weekend to remember what the sun looks like. Also, I think it’s still the best month for snow (but don’t advertise it).
June 8 – In a move that could only be predicted by people like The Watcher, what a twist it was that the month that usually houses Food & Wine was also, in retrospect, the safest option for the 2021 classic. I also prefer it in June, because you always want drunk people to drink at the start, not at the end. Think about the optimism of a wedding as opposed to the finality of a graduation party.
9/10. November / April – Speaking of starts and ends, these months are remarkable as the ski season begins and ends during them, but even then the snow isn’t fantastic. You know what’s fantastic, though? Out of season. To sleep. Vacation. Empty streets.
11/12. October / May – People only hate cold and snow when there is nothing they can do with it, which is why they mostly stay away during these months. The leaves have fallen, the slopes are muddy and the weather from which the tourists come is really bearable. Now where are these targeted advertisements for airlines?
Sean Beckwith is editor at The Aspen Times. Email to [email protected]